All-Inclusive

You're going to adore this resort! Everything’s included—food, drinks, spa, activities—and it’s shockingly affordable. Yes, the massages tend to leave bruises. The jacuzzi is the ideal temperature for mosquitoes to deposit their eggs. The archery range is circular, targets in the middle. No one has ever once come back from boogie-boarding. But the food is great! Sure, the pizzas are served upside down. The ice cream is completely melted, lukewarm, and you have to scoop it with your hands. I believe most of the dumplings are filled with lint. That said, the grilled cheese is decent (caveat: there's zero cheese).