If We Could Talk to the Animals

If a magical being (sorcerer, genie, etc.) offers you the ability to talk to the animals, turn it down immediately. For starters, most deer have lost their parents to hunters. The spiders keep flies alive to torture them. Squirrels are little sadists who deserve what they eventually get. You know bunnies eat their young? So do bears, hedgehogs, foxes, wolves, and coyotes. Salamanders cannibalize their own littermates, so imagine the ones that survive and want to chitchat. Skunks’ personalities match their odor. Owls are arrogant bitches. Raccoons aren’t worth the effort. I'm friends with a few chipmunks, though—they're all right.