Last Day on Earth

What you said you’d do if it was your last day on earth, vs. what you actually did (when you heard about the meteor):

Planned: Forgive all your enemies
Actual: Threw a brick through one enemy’s bay window; sprained shoulder

Planned: Eat everything in sight
Actual: Ate everything in sight; diarrhea

Planned: Pray to as many gods as possible
Actual: Took God’s name in vain (re: diarrhea, sprained shoulder)

Planned: Call your estranged stepdad
Actual: Chatting reminded you both why you’re estranged

Planned: Dance in the streets like nobody’s watching
Actual: Got crushed by a 12-year-old joyriding his mom’s Acura